Oh Where Oh Where Has Your Favorite Blogger Gal Gone...

It seems to be a re-occurring theme with me - disappearing for a few weeks. However, I have a legitimate excuse, actually excuses, this time.

First of all, my amazing life-loving, loud laughing, gardener, dreamer, perpetual learner of a grandfather passed away on March 13th. His illness that progressed so quickly and then life that ended consumed me emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I’m happy he’s not suffering; I’m happy he’s not alive but hooked up to machines because for my grandpa that would not be considered living at all; I’m happy he’s reuniting with family and loved one that passed on before him. But, I miss him. Plain and simple.

I wanted to fly him out when I finally owned a home to teach me everything he knows about gardening. I wanted my future children to learn from him and know him. I wanted to learn more from him. It’s been difficult for me to even except that he’s gone at all, especially for my grandma’s sake. They were such a powerhouse of a couple. They were a strong and true team and I strive to have a marriage like theirs. They embraced one another for their differences and individuality and loved that about each other. Grandpa always said they danced through life.

I’ll miss you grandpa. Hey hey, ho ho, tinkle tinkle.

Secondly, and with great spontaneity and maybe a pinch of madness, we moved to the heart of downtown Salt Lake City. Perhaps the timing was a blessing as it has given me something to direct all my energy to, instead of being depressed and bored which equals sleeping a lot. However, I do not have internet yet, and my feet are so swollen that I could barely get a normal pair of shoes on today. Up and down and caring large boxes and standing for hours and sleeping for few. The process has been draining as all hell – but very therapeutic. We are trying to purge unnecessary items and decorate our incredible new modern apt in a way that will make us happier. Micah has his own space for his art that is quickly transforming into a room we may spend a lot of time in and the rest of the house is in semi-shambles as I try to organize everything as he scrambles to get all his homework done. I already LOVE being downtown – it feels like I’m home.

So stayed tuned for pictures when everything is all ready to go!

Vegan Cat Update

Quickly, the cats totally dug the vegan kibble - however all the extra kibble I made and stored went moldy and now I had to switch back to regular food while I make more. What a shame! I think it needed to dry out even more before I stuck in storage. C'est la vie!

Vegan Cats

I'm sure by the sheer title of this post, most of you are rolling your eyes and slightly, or perhaps vigorously, shaking your head in dismay, disbelief, or sheer dumbfoundedness at my utter weirdness. But to quote Alice in Wonderland (I ADORE Tim Burton) - "all the best people are a bit mad". I may have totally effed that up, but you get the point.



So - cat food is expensive and who knows what they hell is really in it. That's how I feel about most pre-packaged foods I eat. So I prefer to cook from scratch as often as possible. So why on earth would I not do the same for my precious little baby girls? I know - what HAVE I been thinking all this time? I also think to myself, I'm healthy being vegan, so why not my carnivorous cats?! Oh yes, I have gone there. And so have A LOT of other people, by the way.



So there is one amino acid cats require that comes from meat, it's like, aquamarine or some crazy named sciencey type word, and someone found a way to make a synthetic version. So, I can now feed my cats homemade vegan food. I tried a recipe the other night that had chickpeas and olive oil and tofu and I swear I could eat it, but then you add this confetti of weird smelling stuff into it (the stuff that has this aquamarine shit in it) and it immediately smells awful. Sophie, being the sweet amazing pet that she is, at least TRIED the stuff. She licked off the cheesy tasting nutritional yeast I sprinkled on it to mask the nastiness, but Tabitha. YEAH RIGHT. She came up to the bowl, sniffed it, and then stomped her paws in it - NO JOKE - like HELL NO. Then she looked at me with this face like, who are you kidding? That cat food you mixed in IS FOOLING NO ONE. She then refused to look at me the rest of the night. Ok, so THAT recipe failed. You know your cats hate something when they refuse to eat it and then don’t even whine. I mean, they had to have been starving. Cats are so fickle and snobish. What kind of animal would rather starve than eat something semi ok gross? Oh yea - my princess cats. I'm rolling my eyes right now.



So tomorrow is the kibble adventure. I think making my own hard food that looks like what they eat now is going to be a better bet. They even suggested putting imitation bacon bits in it. That BLEW MY MIND. How could they not ADORE me and their food if there was BACON tasting goodness in the food? I figure my odds are pretty incredible. So, I'm off tomorrow to find these said bacon bits and cook my little bratty angels something they may like.



By the way, I'm totally head over heels in love with my cats, if you didn't already know.

"Digging for Gold"

I'll be the first to admit that I love picking my nose. Especially since the installment of my nose ring. Those damn stubborn boogies, or "bougies" if you're Harry Potter, love to cling to the stainless steel in my nose. So the sheer relief I feel after a minute of good old fashioned digging is probably the best form of instant gratification. EVER.

I'm sure Micah would love to tell you that I love picking my nose as well, and then bitch about how I "sprinkle the boogies in our bed". I don't sprinkle them in the bed Micah. I sprinkle them on the carpet NEXT to the bed. And who vacuums the floors 99% of the time? Me. So technically I'm taking care of it just fine, whilst saving the planet by not using tissues. WIN freakin WIN.

So I am obviously NOT the kind of person who only picks their nose in the bathroom with the door shut with copious amounts of tissue, but I still have MANNERS people! Let me back up before I tell you the story that inspired this post by explaining the how to's and where's of Jen's nose picking.

1. I pick in the car. The odds that someone I actually know will pass by me in the 60 seconds I'm digging away are so not likely. Even if someone I knew did drive by, would they even see me or know who I am? The only way you REALLY get a good look at another fellow car driver is if you're stopped at a stop light side by side. I try to minimize my picking during these more highly exposed times. However, even if someone I knew happened to see me, I don't care. It's my business what I do in my car!

2. I pick at my desk. Since changing our cubicle setup and the only thing dividing me and my cubicle mate is a piece of glass, I try to be more discrete and use a tissue. But she's chill and we kick it outside of work, so I really don't think she cares. *Side note, I do not sprinkle my boogies on company carpet. I use a tissue to dispose of said stuff, but still like to use my fingers. They're so tiny and useful.

3. I pick at home. Everywhere, anytime. I mean, seriously, if I can't be comfortable at home, then it's not home.

But I don't blatantly pick my nose in front of strangers or look people in the eye whilst doing so. If I’m sick or something is dangling - then maybe I'd do something about it emergency style...but always discreet. Because, let's face it, boogers are gross. They always are gross and no one else needs to see mine, and I don't need to see yours, or imagine seeing yours.

 This has been on my mind as of yesterday around 5:00 pm because of the following:

I'm leaving work. Being lazy and taking the elevator down 2 floors. Well, not lazy really, more like because I was in pain from my pumps that I wore all day. My piggies were hurting! So I'm in there alone, and I hit the first floor. The doors open up and there is this woman there staring at me with her finger up her nose. Now I may have excused it if she had acted like she was embarrassed and quickly removed her finger. But alas, she was neither embarrassed nor surprised. She was downright PROUD to have that finger up her nose. She even smiled at me, walked past me and got into the elevator all while still digging to China town. I mean, SERIOUSLY?! I get it, you're the only one waiting for the elevator and you take a quick sneaky pick. But the little DING of the elevator should be some kind of alert to you like "Hey crazy lady, take your finger out of your nose, someone might be in that elevator". But no. It didn't even phase her.

And frankly, it was a tad bit disgusting.

But I still love picking my nose at the right place and at the right time. And if you happen to drive by one day and catch me, just laugh at me and forgive me for being a tiny bit OCD for a clean nose and a tiny bit crazy. Ok, maybe more than a tiny bit.

Health Care Reform Summit

So today I have been listening to a live broadcast from the White House. They are showing the Health Care Reform Summit. I LOVE Obama and I whole heartedly agree that we need a MAJOR change and I back up socialized health care. I'm not going to get into the politics, cause I'll just rant and probably offend someone, so instead I'm going to talk about people and their debate skills. Or more specifically, the debate skills of some government officials.

So Obama gets a group of dems and repubs together to brainstorm and collaborate and gather different views to create a plan that suits the majority of needs and concerns. Now there are a handful of people present that eloquently lay out their points and arguments and make sense and add to the summit. And sorry to say, it's mostly the repubs that make my jaw drop and my brain befuddled because they seriously make no damn sense. Or like John McCain that is basically bashing the President and telling him he isn't delivering on promises made during the election, and THANKFULLY Obama reminded him that the election is over. Oh snap Mr. President, you tell him! But I seriously DO NOT understand politicians who cannot argue effectively. I would hope anyone looking into politics has taken an argumentative writing class or debate or something! But I swear most of them went to school for ceramics and their idea of "helping" the summit is babbling on about nonsense, confusing everyone, and using the phrase "the American people hate..." or "the American people need..." to be your only argumentative strategy. I hate to break it to these people, but that's no point. First of all, how can ANYONE say that the American People are (fill in the black with ANYTHING) if you don't know every single person's circumstance, life situation, beliefs or anything. It's like the repubs are just SO pissed that dems want change that they're just throwing out the most ridiculous arguments just to make the process take 20 years and frustrate everyone in the room to the point of giving up!

It would be like trying to decide how to adjust your finances so save more money and be able to buy a house in 5 years. You invite your spouse, some close friends, and the muppets. Now, the muppets don't want you to leave your parents house, because then, who'd watch them, right? They are SO logical. During the meeting you get some real good ideas, but then Miss Piggy talks about her new pink shoes and how when she wears them she makes good financial decisions, therefore, you should buy a pair. Then Fozzie bear interupts with a knock-knock joke about tomatoes, and Gonzo just chases after chickens the whole time. WTF? Thanks for coming and saying NOTHING to do with what we are trying to get out of the meeting!

I'm not trying to dog on republicans. My biggest beef with them is that is seems they don't want to contribute to real important issues; they would just rather de-rail them completely and yell at Obama. No real change will ever happen in this country if different minded people can't come together and share ideas with one another in a civil, uplifting, positive way. Bagging on the President and sharing non-relevant information isn't helping anyone!

Kids

This is a topic that comes and goes with great fervor, always making lasting impressions on me. Like, I NEED BABIES, or OMG I want that $1,000 stroller NOW, or I want to show all the dumb-ass parents out there how it’s REALLY done. Or it’s: how do you handle all the noise these things generate? Why aren’t ALL parents addicted to Prozac? I like it just being Micah and me; I’d have to be BAT SHIT crazy to want kids?! Those are the polar opposite feelings I have about children.

I will admit that now that I am a bit more mature, I have realized being a parent isn’t easy or fun like you think it will be when you’re playing with Cabbage Patch dolls that make no sound or MOVE. EVER. But with that maturity I’ve realized being a parent is one of those stages in life you need to be ready for, like preparing for a hurricane or tornado and even in the middle of the madness of the storm when it’s scary and chaotic, the second it’s over life means so much more. Maybe I’m delusioning myself of all this, but I think parenthood overall is enjoyable. You learn a lot, you grow, you get to laugh at all the funny things your kids do, and help shape a person to be someone good - and even though there may be a complete shit storm EVERY. SINGLE. DAY., like the time my youngest brother fell down the stairs in his walker, crawled through bleach, and “brushed” his teeth with a razor, in the SAME day, you can laugh about it later, and try to grasp at the big picture.

Why has this all dawned upon me? Well for one, I’ve been filling my oh-so-busy days at work with looking at furniture for our hopeful new apt in downtown Salt Lake. I then got sidetracked with cribs, linen sets for cribs, strollers, decorating ideas, and saving links to things I WANT desperately once I get pregnant. Lemme just say this now, we better be RICH! I came home admitting to Micah that I was SOOO close, like, had the shopping cart and billing info filled out close, to actually buying this linen set for a crib (sheets and bumper pad etc) because it is EXACTLY the thing I want in a nursery (I’m obsessed with owls in nurseries) and I will NEVER EVER EVER find something like it again. And there's nothing wrong with being prepared! AND if we started buying things right now, it won't be such a big blow when we have to buy A LOT of stuff. And he then looked at me with that, “are you insane” look and told me he’d leave me if I bought it; and he was serious. Whew. Good thing I didn’t press accept! But take a look at it, I mean, do you really blame me?? It’s so freakin’ adorable that I wanna scream a little. And I'm still considering buying it, just never telling him and hiding it somewhere awesome. (Too bad you can't see the detail, but there are tiny owls in the pattern!)

So there’s x to my equation. Y would be visiting my sister and brother in law in Idaho over the weekend. They have a 9 yr old daughter who already wears makeup and competes with my level of sass, and two three year olds that are 3 weeks apart. This is when I ask myself, really? Do I REALLY want this? My dream of five kids is slowly dwindling…But then I see that smile, hear that laugh, see Savannah running around naked proclaiming “I’m naked, I’m naked” and then seeing her with her little seahorse panties on crooked so in the back it’s like a make-shift thong. Or my nephew Zane constantly reminding and reassuring himself of his gender. “Zane’s a boy. Zane’s a boy.” The noise, the craziness, the mess, I’m sure is worth all those funny moments, but I won’t lie to you; it’s nice going home to just me, Micah, and the kitties.

For now I’m going to continue enjoying the stage of life Micah and I are in now. School, paintings and art supplies all over, the kitties, a shoe box apartment, and jobs we may not love, and when the time comes will enjoy the next stage of life. The insanity of parenthood.

My Blogging Absence & A Link If You Need Some Laughs

I need to get back into the swing of writing! So this is my plea to be more consistant, cause we ALL know when we can laugh and make fun of life, it's so much more fun! So in the spirit of laughs, check out this link and ENJOY!!!

Bon Qui Qui Mad TV Sketch

Men Live Longer Because They Are Men

Men live longer because they are men. Men have less stress in their lives. And men have NO clue. You know why? They take for granted the time that they would be spending doing the easiest, human, mundane tasks IF they were a woman. It's JUST NOT FAIR (said in a whiney voice while stomping my feet around). So I'm going to bitch about it.

First item: going to the bathroom. For arguments sake, we are NOT going to talk about going number two.

Man In Public Bathroom

• Step 1 - Walk up to urinal, maybe go into stall and lock.
• Step 2 - Fly down.
• Step 3 - Whip it out.
• Step 4 - Pee.
• Step 5 - Shake and tap.
• Step 6 - Zip up.
• Step 7 - Unlock stall or skip this step if using urinal.
• Step 8 - Wash hands. We all hope.

Woman In Public Bathroom

• Step 1 - Go into stall and lock.
• Step 2 - Lay down toilet cover, or use toilet paper to fashion one, OR hover and get a quad workout while peeing. (Note, when men go #2, I really wonder how many actually put down the seat protector...)
• Step 3 - Unbutton/unfasten pants.
• Step 4 - Pull pants down.
• Step 5 - SIT down.
• Step 6 - If NOT on period skip steps A-F below.

• o A - Curse loudly in your head, then be grateful you have a tampon in your purse. Add in embarrassing time consuming tampon hunting steps if not.
• o B - Try to take care of any mess. My favorite part.
• o C - If have some kind of apparatus on or in, take off or out.
• o D - Oh shit! The little trash can doesn't have a liner. Add in steps to wrap up said object in a million layers of toilet paper to take out with you.
• o E - Dispose of object or flush it.
• o F - Unwrap & replace fresh object.

• Step 7 - Pee.
• Step 8 - Wipe.
• Step 9 - Pull your pants up.
• Step 10 - Zip/latch/fasten pants.
• Step 11 - Gather your nasty garbage and purse and exit stall.
• Step 12 - Wash hands.

Ok. SO - you can already tell a woman spends more time in a bathroom than a man does. I did some math to substantiate my claims because FACTS are facts and then no one can argue with me. I may even take a stop-watch into the bathroom next time to make sure my facts are accurate.

Three weeks out of every month we'll say the average woman uses a public restroom 10 times with normal bathroom delays. (This is a SMALL number - I use one probably 20-30 times.) Then one week out of every month, she will still go use a public restroom 10 times, but this week is special. Or rather hell week. The week a woman's antagonistic Aunt Flo comes and beats her in the uterus until she bloats, feels sick, and develops a splitting headache.

With those estimated stats, here is the math:
*Note: 40 weeks/year with 10 visits a week = non-menstrual
            12 weeks with 10 visits a week = hell week

Average Woman:

Normal public bathroom visits/year = 400. Added time in bathroom for toilet cover and sitting is 30 seconds. 400 visits x 30 seconds = 200 minutes/year + 120 min for "Extended Period Visits" (add 1 minute) = 320 minutes/year.

We will say that women menstruate for about 40 years of their life regularly. That equals about 212 hours or 8.9 DAYS of a woman’s life spent on extra time in the bathroom.

Jen Woman (based on 25 visits per week):

Normal public bathroom visits/year = 1,000. Added time in bathroom for toilet cover and sitting is 30 seconds. 1,000 visits x 30 seconds = 500 minutes/year + 300 min for "Extended Period Visits" (add 1 minute) = 800 minutes/year.

800 min x 40 years of menstruating = 22.2 days extra spent in my LIFETIME putting paper down on a toilet and sitting. These numbers don't even include the time I spend sitting/wiping at home. This is JUST public uses! Do you know what I could do with an extra 22.2 days in my life? Solve world hunger. Fix illiteracy in the states. Build a house. Write a novel. Possibilities are endless.

But the issue is not really the time. It is the damn fact that men have no appreciation WHATSOEVER for the mere fact that they NEVER have to go through this. They are oblivious to the things we endure on a daily or weekly basis that they don't ever contemplate or bat an eye at. Because peeing sitting down is just ONE thing.

Try being the woman after sex without a condom. You have no idea. I can't work out for the next few hours AND for up to a DAY the aftermath is there. Do you men even know what I mean by AFTERMATH!

Add in the makeup, hair, the bras, the PANTY HOSE & PREGNANCY and I swear we spend years of our lives on things most men take for granted. So men, next time your wife/sister/mother/girlfriend is on edge and being slightly bitchy, come to terms with the fact that she deserves to be a bitch, and then hug her, kiss her, give her a foot rub, and tell her how you appreciate her vagina and all that comes with it.

Things That Happen That Shouldn't and Defy All Universal Laws

I was just using a mechanical pencil and a memory smacked me in the face like an angry mother. TWICE in elementary and middle school, TWICE something unexplainable and weird happened to me. I pumped out too much lead so when I placed pressure on the pencil to write, the lead broke. I immediately felt something rocket up my nose that made my eyes water.

SERIOUSLY?

This 6 mm thick, 1/8" long piece of lead flew STRAIGHT UP MY NOSE?! What are the freakin odds of that? It's not like I even have large cavernous nostrils or anything! Out of the 9 BILLION other places it could have gone, that's where it went? And talk about embarrassing! All of a sudden you're making bulldog grunting noises in the back of the classroom, then sprint up to the front with your eyes all misty to grab a tissue, then furiously blow your nose and poke around in the snot to make sure it came out, all whilst the judging hot stares of your classmates sizzle the back of your neck. TRAUMITIZING.

And this happened to me TWICE. I swear that is like the same odds as being hit by lightening twice. It makes no sense so my conclusion is; God needed a good laugh.

Smells

Not that I can compare this to much, because I've never had someone else's olfactory skills, but I have a pretty kick ass sense of smell.

And let me just declare something.

Some smells that go into your body,
should
Never.
Come.
Back.
Out.

So this is where things get gross, maybe? Honestly I don't really know because my sensitivity meter to what other people think is inappropriate has been broken. Forever. Like how Micah constantly tells me that bringing up my colonoscopy procedure I had done in college or detailed descriptions of my bladder issues in public is not appropriate. Not that he doesn't mind listening, but because I have no control over the volume of my voice I'm basically forcing people to hear me, always unintentionally of course, and that apparently isn't very nice.

So. Here goes.

I love garlic and onions. Love to cook with them. Almost anything would be better with some sauteed onions and garlic added. But the aroma it creates when cutting and cooking is pungent, at best. Micah cries like a little girl that got pushed over at the playground every time a knife comes close to an onion. It's unreal. My body though, must love the way it smells because it lingers for DAYS. When I hop in the shower the smell that I THOUGHT, stupid me, was gone comes oozing back out and suddenly it smells like I'm bathing in a pot of soup.

Few days later, when the soup shower smell calms down, I smell it when I pee. Honestly?! How on earth could something linger for so long?! It makes me paranoid that my natural smell is like a spicy overpowered Indian dish and no one will ever sit close to me for anything nor for any reason.

So there's onions and garlic, asparagus makes your pee just smell downright WEIRD, broccoli, no matter how fresh when consumed, always comes back smelling like rotten garbage and poo. How come GOOD smells can't re-surface? The only thing I know of, is sometimes some cereals make my pee smell like honey and sweetness. I also know others that have experienced this phenomenon. But usually the good smells never come back. Even burping - when you burp something "good" back up, it's always mixed with something nasty from earlier. Like ew - that tasted like ice cream, and baked beans. Separately those two things are amazing. However together they make for an ugly couple. So next time you burp or pee and something's just not right, you'll think of me.

I'm trying to make you all think of me in the most awkward and weird situations ever. Awkwardness makes my day.

Skeletons in the Closet

The title of this blog sounds MUCH more scandalous than it really is going to be. Too bad so sad. However, you do learn a lot about yourself when you clean out your closet.

Last night, beginning around midnight, I started going through my closet. I had already started a donation bag weeks earlier and decided to do a more thorough search to see if there was anything else I'd like to give up. I do this about once a year and my rule is, not matter how much I like that shirt at the back of my closet that I totally forgot about, if I haven't worn it in a year, it's a goner.

Throughout this process I came to the realization that clothes are funny things to me.

First of all, I love them far too much, yet I always seem more than ready to get new ones. Going through my closet I realized I could probably re-evaluate and create an entirely new line up of outfits out of clothes I already own. So why I feel such a great need to get new outfits is beyond me. Maybe it's because shopping means CHANGE. It means throwing out the old and bringing in the new. It means my tastes have changed and I want to try a new look. I've grown up, I want to be more bold, I want to re-invent myself.

But when going through old clothes, you gain a very clear understanding that clothes carry baggage. I have never come in contact with something in my life that is no inanimate and yet SO emotion driving. That shirt I wore when I met my husband = fond memories, love, happiness; that skirt my mother bought me for graduation and I have grown out of the style and never worn since = guilt; the top that I wore when I danced on that table at that dance = pride/embarrassment? (it SHOULD embarrass me at least); that pair of cut offs I keep around for painting a house (which who on EARTH knows when THAT will even happen) = my dreams; that pair of jeans I looked super sexy in in that ONE picture from college = the spunk of my single days. All of these items are so hard to get rid of because they are representations of my journey in life.

I hate that they do.

I need to de-clutter my life (in more ways than one) and so...sweet articles of clothing, I bid you adieu as you meet new owners and cling to new skin. May you start a new life of your own and help someone else create new memories.

Global Warming

I'm not going to sit here and debate about whether or not global warming is real. It IS real, but even if you don't believe it is, what harm is there in trying to live more "green" life and preserve what we have? This comic nails how I feel.

The Christian Side-Hug

My little bro Clarke always finds the weirdest shit online. That is why we all love the internet. It's filled with ridiculous nonsense that can keep us entertained for multiple lifetimes. So Clarke had mentioned this rap song about the "Christian side-hug" over Thanksgiving break, and a few days ago Micah randomly thought about looking it up and found it on YouTube. You need to watch at least the first minute of this and if you can handle the terrible beat and rapping, watch it all. The lyrics make me DIE with laughter. I won't be able to fully describe it so it's just better for you to watch this train wreck.

You Tube Christian Side Hug

For those of you who didn't watch it and STILL want me to spell it out for you, here's the abridged version. An evangelical Christian church is against front hugs for obvious reasons. When two people hug like that, their genitals spark up against each other and cause people to instantaneously combust, or have wild sex on the spot. You can see the logic here. *rolling my eyes* They even rap about how Jesus never gave anyone a bear hug. So...is that fact? Do you think Jesus gave John the Baptist a "side-hug" after they baptized one another? Do you think Jesus side-hugged his mother Mary? Doubtful. There isn't anything wrong with normal hugs; and if you have sexual problems with giving regular hugs, there is something wrong with you.

So there are two majorly terrible things wrong with this rap song.

#1 - I understand the idea behind Christian rap, they are trying to be trendy and get young kids into being spiritual. There is nothing wrong with that. However, I have some issues with the fact that they are rapping about Jesus and being moral and then gunshot and siren sounds go off. That makes me want to be real spiritual. I think that style of song accompanied by their lyrics is just completely blasphemous.

#2 - On the topic of blasphemous and frankly down-right wrong, the chorus repeats this phrase:

"I'm a Rough Rider, filled up with Christ's love". I knew Rough Rider was a bad term, so I made Micah look it up on urbandictionary.com. The link is below, but WARNING, it's REAL dirty. So don't go if you'd like to purity intact. I mean, you can't pair up one of the dirtiest slang terms EVER for yourself and then talk about how you are filled with Christ's love and to not give front hugs or kiss. If you're a rough rider, you are doing much MUCH worse.

Definition of "rough rider" from urbandictionary.com

Moral of the story, don't rap about Jesus before knowing the meaning of certain terminology. Or maybe just don't rap about Jesus at all.

Small Businesses

I want to post today about all the amazing people out there who do what they love and have given a lot of time, money, and energy into starting their own businesses. Being the entrepreneur-type that I am and how I plan on starting my own business in the near future - here's a shout out to all the people I personally know who own a business. Check them out!

http://www.arizonaorangeco.com/

http://lushboutique.etsy.com/

http://www.laborlooks.com/

http://www.jameswinegar.com/

Nice work peeps!

Very Serious Things To Sit Up At Night And Contemplate: Would I Stay With A Complete Assholecheaterdouchecanoe for $60,000,000 for ONE Year?

=

So I assume everyone has heard about Tiger Wood's smooth move - well multiple apparently. If I have heard about it and I don't watch TV, read ragmags, or any celebrity gossip websites and I STILL know about it, I figure the whole world does.

If you don't here's the Jenny's abridged version: Tiger Woods hottie tottie wife, Elin Nordegren, (seriously, take a look) -->

finds out Tiger has cheated on her. He's backing out of the driveway and down the neighborhood road when WHAMMMO! Tiger's crazedbitchwife (rightly so) smashes the windows of his car with his favorite golf club (way to make the pain personal Elin; I approve of your tactics), distracts him (wouldn't you be?) and then Tiger proceeds to back into a fire hydrant. Surprisingly, when I first heard the story all I heard was that Tiger was in an accident. Come to find out he was in a lot deeper shit than that. And it gets better, well worse really.

As of yesterday I had heard that so far, like, 9 other women have come forward to be Tiger's mistresses, 3 of whom are porn stars. Wow, way to be classy Tiger.

Then Tiger publicly apologizes and says he's a huge wanger; wine, wine, blah blah blah, and then on the DL offers his wife 60 MILLION DOLLARS to stay with him for a year. I don't think that was supposed to leak out.

This now calls for some SERIOUS contemplation. So let’s list out the pros and cons of this deal.

PROS OF STAYING WITH TIGER FOR A YEAR FOR $60,000,000:

• $60,000,000 + divorce settlement.

• Never working again IN.YOUR.ENTIRE.LIFE.

• SIXTY MILLION DOLLARS.

• That's $5,000,000/month, $1,153,846/week, $164,835/day, $6,868/hr and $114.50/minute. You can taste that kind of cash.

• Proving to yourself you are a great actress as you pretend to still like your ass-face husband.

CONS OF STAYING WITH TIGER FOR A YEAR FOR $60,000,000:

• Still getting a truck load of money for the divorce and never having to look at him in the face again.

• Being able to pour more salt into his wounds; by wounds I mean his hurt image. Frankly I'm glad we all know he's a big smiling phony.

• Having to fake liking him when you have to make a public appearance with him when in reality all you want to do is cause him intense pain. Like filleting his man parts and feeding them to sharks as you poor acid on his wounds.

• Looking like the most worked over woman EVER.

• Looking weak and taking money over happiness.

I'm sure as I contemplate and meditate about this I will come up with more. Please, add your ideas and take this issue seriously. It may just happen to you one day.

This Gay Marriage Chart is Amazing

http://scienceblogs.com/pharyngula/upload/2009/12/the_same-sex_marriage_debate_g/samesexmarriage.php

November 30th Is Now Officially Ugly Duckling Day!

There is something about going home that takes you back to your pre-teen days. I don't know if it's the reminiscing, the home movies, or the fact that your parents treat you like you're 13 and you respond by acting 13 and throwing a mini tantrum because you don't want to wash the dishes, but either way, it takes me back.

That is why officially November 30th is now Ugly Duckling Day! It's a day for all to relish in the fact that we once were awkward, gangly, and ugly as all hell - and now we are smokin, smokin hot.

I'll have to dig up some pics of me from middle school, cause it's one big hot mess. Braces, bangs the size of a tidal wave, red unruly hair, zits, glasses, semi-chubtastic all wrapped up into a nervous ball of anxiety that made me sweat so much it soaked through thick sweaters plus I was scared of boys and being myself; not that I even felt like I knew who I was. I hope I remember how terrible those times were when I have kids that age. The world was against me, and I hated the world back. Not anyone in particular, just the while world.

So glad I'm over that stage!

I.Hate.COLD

I just told off Old Geezer Winter. I told him how much I despise him, then I spit on him, then I banished him to the Virgin Islands to either a) learn to appreciate the magnificent beauty of warmth or b) die from heat exhaustion. I figure Mr. Geezer Winter may not last in the heat - like he'd melt into a puddle of goo just like the guy in Roger Rabbit when they throw the cartoon killing shit on him.

I hate the cold for so many reasons.

1. Everything is ugly.
2. I have to wear 18 layers and somehow my toes are still cold.
3. The things you can enjoy in the snow cost money, which is something I know nothing about at the moment.
4. I'm cold. ALL.THE.TIME.
5. I break our circuits at work from running my heater every second I'm at work.
6. Getting goose bumps makes my freshly shaved arms/legs grow hair like chickens on hormones.
7. It lasts way too long. I wish winter was 2 weeks then we moved onto spring. Why do the worst seasons last the longest?
8. The cold make me pee more. It's an evil, evil way to piss me off considering I now have 17 more layers on than usual and I almost.ALMOST every time pee my pants by the time I'm undressed. Again, I hate you Mr. Winter.

However, Mrs. Sexy Sunshine is helping a bit considering we have effed over the sky by punching holes in the atmosphere with our hummers and plethora of aerosol hair spray (thanks Utah for never leaving the 80s) and over abundance of farting cows. Now Mrs. Sexy Sunshine can shine longer and harder and is taking the edge off of winter. But only til now. She's only been able to battle the grumpy old coot for this long. He has now won and I now have to endure my bones shivering and scraping ice off my windshields for what feels like FOREVER.

Liberation!

Last night I stood naked in front of a dozen or more strangers. This was not a dream.

Being naked on display I thought would be nerve-wracking. On the contrary, it was the most free and beautiful I have ever felt.

How did this new venture begin? Micah is currently enrolled in a figure drawing class at his University. He's always way bummed out when his class doesn't have a model because then there is no class. His professor has met me and has asked if I could model, but classes at the University are during my 8 hour work day.

So I was perusing Craigslist for possible part time jobs to make a little extra money for the holidays, when I stumbled upon an ad for an art school in my area looking for female models. Not only would I be making some extra cash, but I would be contributing to the art community. Cha-ching! I immediately emailed and then stopped by the studio after work. A few minutes later I was hired!

So I arrived, changed into my robe, got up on that platform and dropped my robe to the ground! Hello world! Seeing the paintings and drawings and sketches made me understand just how beautiful the human body, MY body truly is.

I Robbed A Girl Of Her Virginity

I recently re-connected with a friend from my short stint in Boston (junior year of high school) on Facebook. Gotta love FB right? She's a quirky and energetic Egyptian girl who came from an ultra conservative family. Sad to say I have no clue what religion they practiced, I'm thinking she was Muslim? Pretty sure. Wow I sound so ignorant right now - it's embarrassing.

Anyhow - for her 17th birthday she had a party and somehow when a bunch of girls get together for longer than an hour, periods come up. ALWAYS. How conversations come to that point is beyond me, perhaps it's an instantaneous bonding topic as we all loathe the idea of menstruating, but nonetheless, it happened.

So somehow we figured out that she had never used a tampon before. Which is a damn.crying.shame. So we all felt inclined to make her try it out, well it was probably more like I felt inclined, and I'm so obnoxious and loud and crazy that everyone else felt the need to jump on the jennyeffingcrazybandwagon. She went into the bathroom alone and the rest of us crowded around the door like (insert dreamy teen idol around the summer of 2001, perhaps Heath Ledger or Freddie Prinze Jr. - oh gosh I think I just threw up in my mouth a little) was in there and we were trying to listen to him breathing. I swear she was in there for an hour or more, but perhaps my 17 year old mind lied to me and I am remembering incorrectly. Eventually everyone got tired of listening to Freddie Prinze's quiet breathing but I was the one who never gave up! I would hear Freddie fart and I would win!

So I stood outside that door explaining the mechanics over and over again (which seems so ridiculous now; I had problems when I first wore a tampon, like when I was 11, and it seems so foolish considering it's so "natural" - oh gosh, it SHOULDN'T be natural - now). I think she may have even cried a bit and that may have been when I thought to myself "maybe this is a mistake". Oh how THAT was the understatement of the century!

The next day at school she informed me her mom now hated me because I helped take her virginity away. Ooops! Sorry momma N! Note to self: don't force people to stick wads of cotton up their who-haaas, it may piss off their mothers.

Passive Aggressive-ness and Other Non-desirables

I am blunt. I tell it how it is 99.9% of the time. I am a people pleaser type, so occasionally what I'm thinking I sugar coat slightly, but usually I'm not scared just to say it how it is. Those jeans make your butt look lumpy. I don't want to hang out with you because you are emotionally draining. I think what you just said was biased and unfair and think you need to think more carefully before you speak. Get off your lazy patootie and clean the dishes before I throw a fist in the direction of your nuts. You cannot misinterpret what I mean.

I do not understand people who dance around the purple elephant squatting in the middle of the room taking a massive dump and never mention the obscene ever-growing pile of shit. I would walk into the room and start describing what was wrong with this picture down to the details of the particular stench. I like to stare my problems and issues straight in the face, tell them how I feel, maybe slap them, resolve it, and move on with my life. Passive aggressiveness never resolves anything. It will however cause mass confusion and bottled up frustrations and anger. (If you want a good laugh and also find passive aggressiveness entertaining, check out http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/.)

I remember once during a summer visit to home from college, this guy came to visit me. Yes, he was a complete ass and I know that now - but that is beside the point - and we wanted to go out and do something fun. My mother gave me two choices for activities she felt were appropriate or safe...I don't really know why I was given choices at all, I was an adult. Again, I digress. (She knew he was a penis but didn't tell me that until later AND I probably wouldn't have listened to her then anyways. Sorry Mom!) Unknown to me at the time, there was a right, and a very wrong choice in her mind. But when she gave me the choices she forgot to mention one of these choices would make her ignore and hate me for a week. Oh wait, I don't think she forgot. So I chose the activity I wanted to do, went on my merry way and for a week could not understand why my mom wouldn't look me in the eye or talk to me. (Mrs. Cellophane would have been my name....JAZZ. HANDS!!!!) Finally I confronted her and she told me all about it blah blah ....that guys a real creep....blah blah ....I didn't want you to go there....blah blah...you get the idea.

Now, there could have been a LOT of saved energy and less confusion in this situation if my mom, from the get-go, said "Jen, this guy is a creeper, I don't want you going to Miami, I'd rather you just go to the water park (the details are a bit rusty). You can choose, but just know that if you choose the former, I will breathe flames and pretend you don't exist for some length of time." Perfect. No miscommunication, no hidden messages, no passive aggressive behavior. I then could have made my choice knowing I could defy my mother and turn her into the fire breathing dragon lady, or I could chose the less fun option and make her happy. The result of the situation may have been the same, minus my immense confusion, but everything would have been out on the table. My mother would have been mad at me for a legit reason. It is not fair for people to make you feel guilty for something you didn't even know would make them feel bad in the first place. Pretty much the moral here is - no one likes to look or feel like an ass. Passive aggressive behavior tricks you into making a fool out of yourself. It's just not fair.

I also have a deep respect for people's lives. I do not like to impose on people, unless I know they want me to because I'm so fabulous, and I don't force myself into people’s lives. My friend Lindsay's in-laws just called her and her husband up and basically invited themselves to their home for Thanksgiving AND told her she needed to cook for the entire family (I think about 10 people) every day. There was no asking, there was only telling.

Back up the mother flippin truck - where do people get off thinking this is kosher? When did people lose all sense of propriety and waltz unannounced and unwanted all up in your face spitting out commands like you volunteered to join the armed forces or something? I think it's funny that older generations tell us our generation doesn't respects their elders, whilst our elders are treating us like door mats on a overly muddy day. What happened to being polite? What if my friends had unannounced plans for Thanksgiving or what if they just wanted to enjoy peace and QUIET?! Or heaven forbid they were fighting and needed to work some stuff out without a gawking audience! Their options were snatched out from underneath them with no warning. How unfair! People have the right to deny or accept anything. The outside party has no clue, none at all, why you are doing what you are doing, but you deserve that right.

I also cannot stand ignorant people, people with hair so large there could be a family of pigeons living in there - it is just offensive, people who like to put people down, people who have such annoying and grating laughs that mid-pee my body simultaneously stops peeing and jumps 2 inches off the toilet seat, people who don't cover their mouths when they cough or sneeze, people who think they are better than everyone, people who insult your intelligence and there own to sell you shomething, bad drivers, the existence of spam, and butt-crack in public. I also think when I'm on my period I should be able to wear sweatpants 24-7 and not get any weird looks or fired. Or better yet, just get a free pass from life and never get out of bed.

Nuff said.

Baby Questions And My Intense Spite

Ok, you can tell it's been a slow day at work considering I have like, 23 new bog posts. But I just was compelled to write about this.

So as most of you know, I live in Utah, land of jello salad, words like fetch and flip, 99% white people, and couples my age that already have more than 5 kids. I got married when I was 23 after dating Micah for about a year and a half. That flabbergasted most people. It boggled their minds that instead of rushing into marriage I was getting to know Micah and making some money. Why the only options for a post-undergraduate life here are marriage or grad school are beyond me. Heaven forbid I like working. Because everyone knows women that actually enjoy working will never have children and climb the corporate ladder until they poop 100 dollar bills.

Well sorry to blow all your minds, but this is simply not true.

It took me a whopping YEAR to even mention marriage to Micah - which he quickly dodged until I forced him to choose between me and eternal loneliness, probably because a year is still not that much time to really make an educated and sure decision to be with someone forever. But at some point you throw your fears under the bus and say, what the hell, you're 85% of what I need and want. You'll do.

So why is it SO hard for people to understand that I want to establish a sound relationship with my husband before bringing another tiny person into our lives? Heaven forbid I hit 28 and haven't had a child yet. Not to mention I don't want to be ridiculously poor when the tiny one comes. I mean, we can barely feed our two cats! Babies are expensive little bundles.

So you can see why I absolutely hate it when people ask me, "so, aren't you going to have kids?" Or "why don't you want kids?" Especially from people that are basically strangers. The undertone of your question is really saying, well hm. You have been married for 2 years, you're 25 (times a ticking sweetheart!), have a good job - ooooooooo I see. You don't want kids. You aren't going to have kids, or you would have already started. You terrible terrible satan-loving woman. What good are you unless you have children?

I want to come back and tell them a number of many things.

- My uterus is broken

- Micah's sperm don't have tails

- I have ovarian cancer

- Back off bi-atch or I will punch you in the baby maker!

- I want to have children how dare you use that undertone to make yourself feel superior to me!

- I can have children and a career. (Oh no she DIH - INT)

- What makes you think it is even remotely appropriate to ask me about something so personal?

And I have never said anything like this in response to those horrid questions before until now. I swear I will never back down from really giving people a little slice of my mind. Take today for example. Here is a thread from facebook. Not super slap in your face, but I thought it got my point across.

Me: You're pregnant! AH! Congrats!

Friend (note this is not a close friend): Thank you! It's kinda exciting. We find out what we are having next thursday. What about you? You guys thinking about any children yet?

Me: Not yet. I want to make it as awkward for myself as possible. But probably in the next 1-2 years! Until then I'm sure people will give me strange looks and wonder if my ovaries are broken.

Kid you not. That is word for word what I said. I think it is absolutely asinine that people have the gall to even ask questions like this and it's asinine that I feel ostracized and awkward for not having children yet. So like before, I will just turn the awkwardness back onto them.

Note - just to makes things clear: I love Micah and I didn't "settle". I just love sarcasm. Also I am extremely excited to become a mother (I was "for fun" looking at maternity clothes yesterday for Pete's sake!) but it's not anyone else's damn decision but mine and Micah's.

Amendment 2 - I don't hate everyone from Utah! I just hate being asked intimate questions from people who aren't that close to me.

I heart Google

You need to try this. Go google 'why' or 'why not' - don't press enter - just type it in the search box and check out what it suggests. It is freakin' hilarious. I will get some screen schots once I'm home and can photoshop the pictures. hahahahah

NetFlix Insta-Play

If ANY of you have netflix and have not taken advantage of the insta play option, you are MISSING out BIG time! I think Micah and I have saved literally at least a hundred dollars since we have reduced our renting and buying habits to nearly zero.
There are some pretty good movies on the insta play list, but the real gems are the shows. The Office, Lost, we just started Dexter and The IT Crowd, there is 30 Rock, and on and on and on. And it's all FREE (well included in ANY Netflix plan that is), streaming to your computer. Best. thing. EVER!

So - check it out and get addicted to shows so that you stay up til 2 am on a "school" night. So much more fun than sleeping. PLUS you get to have real tripped up bloody dreams when you watch Dexter. Yay for modern twisted TV shows!

Utah Bites

I haven't delved into this topic because usually when I start, I can't stop. Word vomit to a T. So I will try to keep this to what is on my mind right now and not all the reasons why I dislike Utah so much.

There are two movies I want to see REALLY, really, REALLY bad. #1 is Fantastic Mr. Fox



and #2 is Precious.



I went online to see where and when it is playing and oh...guess the freak what? Here are the two closest locations:

Kimball's Twin Peak Theatre (376.5 mi)
115 East Pikes Peak Avenue btwn Nevada and Tejon
Colorado Springs, CO 80903

OR

ArcLight Cinemas Hollywood (550.2 mi)
6360 W Sunset Blvd
Hollywood, CA 90028 (323) 464-4226

I love how moviefone.com tells me how far away they are. Micah, feel like a road trip? Psh. SO INFURIATING!

So thanks Utah for making the decision for me that these movies are not appropriate. I'd like to make that decision on my own. The real hilarious part about this is that Fantastic Mr. Fox is a kids movie. WHAT?!? I don't get it. I really don't get it at all. It makes me want to punch a hole through something or scream profanities out loud and wait for people to give me looks that scream "That young lady is seriously disturbed! Who raised her!"

Screw you Utahans. Once I leave this place I hope to never return.