The Invisible Stall Mate

OK, I know this is my third post today. I wish I didn't have weird outbursts of thoughts timed perfectly with boring ruts at work, but I do - so deal with it. I just start writing and then everything that happens to me makes me think. This just happened a few hours ago when I went to take a tinkle.

Why do women (I can't say men cause I've never tinkled in a men's bathroom) pretend no one else is in the ladies room with them? First of all, it's old school to think women don't fart - or poop for that matter. Secondly, the acoustics in a bathroom are phenomenal, so the noises that are made in there are multiplied by 80 million in an effort to remind us that no one is perfect. I believe they were designed that way to humble us. No one's shit doesn't stink 100% of the time, so stop being all high and mighty. Thirdly, it makes it MORE awkward when you pretend no one is sitting right next to you listening to all the sound and fury, when they obviously are.

I have taken up a hobby of studying people's footwear/toes to see if I can identify my poop buddy whilst chilling on the toilet. Too bad I started a new position and moved buildings and had to start all over - I was getting pretty good. Because the best thing to break the awkwardness (for me) is to actually talk to whoever is in there! *GASP* But it seems like if it's someone you don't know well, they get embarrassed and shuffle out real quick. So like usual, I have to try to think before I blurt something out that could embarrass someone else. Remember Jen, just because you don't get embarrassed and think that awkward situations are funny, 95% of the world does not, and so forcing my weirdness on them is not fair. Like today, I went to tinkle and my stall buddy sneezed. It took everything in me to not say "Bless You!" cause what if we came out at the same time and she was all embarrassed because I recognized she was next to me tinkling too.

I am very curious as to why this phenomenon began and why it hasn't been remedied since the book "Everyone Poops" was published. I thought that pretty much took care of everything right there.

I <3 This Picture

Words cannot describe how much I love this picture. I mean, a tiny fluffy kitten hugging Jesus? How could the adorable awesomeness get any better?

New Age Hippie

That is what I have decided to title myself as - a "new age hippie". Not that I particularly want to be or like being generalized into ANY kind of category, but I feel like that is the best way to describe myself and lifestyle in as few words as possible. Recently at work, I have taken the time I am not busy to explore ways to be more green, healthy, and consequently more liberal. (My grandfather, father of 7, college professor, faithful church goer and lover of all goodness - who also calls horse poo shit and is married to a woman who doesn't like the word "darn" - just recently proclaimed that God is a liberal and it makes me feel much better about life. I also discovered that my grandparents, whom I always figured were super conservative, have voted democrat their whole lives and don't like people that don't like/voted for Obama. My grandparents rock.)

So, I already am vegan, plan on using cloth diapers and making my own baby food, having non-medicated births, maybe even home births, am pro-gay rights and marriage, and I use Tupperware over plastic baggies and screw in my little High Efficient light bulbs. I also like to yell at my husband when he lets the shower run for 10 minutes before he gets in it. OK, so some of that makes me a little hippie-ish, right?


Well now I am onto a whole new level of craziness. I started looking at how much paper we waste on napkins, paper towels, toilet paper etc., and these are not JUST tree hating products, but the resources and pollution that go into packaging these products makes me a little ill. So, here is my resolution: switch to all cloth. You heard me cloth. Cloth napkins, cloth towels, cloth TOILET PAPER! So probably right now most of you have just made a silent oath to never come over to my house ever in my existence - however, I will keep some "guest rolls" of the regular stuff tucked away for such occasions. Please don't let me scare you away.


Side note: I am not the type of person to force my lifestyle and beliefs on anyone else. I do however hope to make people re-think some of their beliefs, re-evaluate, and maybe make some changes for the better. Hence the "new-age" in my self proclaimed title; I'm not going to sit on your porch with daisies in my hair singing Kum-bi-yah waiting for you to switch to cloth toilet paper and squeeze your babies out in your backyard.

However I have come into a small dilemma because to fulfill my dream of cloth toilet paper I also want to install a bidet. I have always loved the idea of really getting clean with a bidet, plus it would make the whole process much more clean and less smelly. My dilemma is a) we live in a tiny apartment with two cats and we can't attach any kind of permanent fixtures and b) we only have like, 3 rolls of paper left and I don't have a sewing machine to make little square cloth toilet wipes. This gives me very little time to make the change. So what does a girl do?! Do I wait for another 6 months until we are out of this shoebox apartment whilst every day agonizing over the waste I am creating as I wipe my bum? Well regardless I'm sure I'll figure it all out - and definitely make sure to include you all in this fantastic new adventure!

Fortune Cookies

It has been a while since I got a real "good" fortune cookie. The definition of a fortune is (thank to m-w.com): a hypothetical force or personified power that unpredictably determines events and issues favorably or unfavorably.

• Your friends are near by when you need them. - duh, that's why they're my friends
• You are wearing a hat. - um, that is not a fortune.
• Tomorrow, take a moment to do something just for yourself. - That is a good goal, but no, not a fortune.
• Take it easy.

Seriously?

BUT - I got two great ones in a row at our favorite Chinese restaurant that has delicious vegan food.

#1 - Your luck is about to change. Whammo. That's awesome
#2 - Luck is the by-product of busting your fanny. Ok, I will admit, this is more like parental advice, or more like advice from your really cool uncle, but I thought the fact that I got these two in a row really meant something. My luck is about to change, but to have that happen, BUST YOUR FANNY!

So this spurred a quick conversation with me, our waiter Brandon (who totally has a thing for me, Micah and I both agree), and Micah about us writing very specific saucy/scary fortunes. See my examples:

• You will contract an illness of major significance in the next 6 weeks.
• You will meet a drag queen named Peachy Cream sometime in the next year. Do whatever she tells you to.
• On September 17, 2015 you will find $200,000 dollars lying in the streets.
• Next time you go shopping, buy a purple polka-dotted item that costs $10-20. It will always bring you good luck.
• The next dark haired blue eyed man/woman that winks at you is your future spouse.

Now those would be awesome!