Global Warming

I'm not going to sit here and debate about whether or not global warming is real. It IS real, but even if you don't believe it is, what harm is there in trying to live more "green" life and preserve what we have? This comic nails how I feel.

The Christian Side-Hug

My little bro Clarke always finds the weirdest shit online. That is why we all love the internet. It's filled with ridiculous nonsense that can keep us entertained for multiple lifetimes. So Clarke had mentioned this rap song about the "Christian side-hug" over Thanksgiving break, and a few days ago Micah randomly thought about looking it up and found it on YouTube. You need to watch at least the first minute of this and if you can handle the terrible beat and rapping, watch it all. The lyrics make me DIE with laughter. I won't be able to fully describe it so it's just better for you to watch this train wreck.

You Tube Christian Side Hug

For those of you who didn't watch it and STILL want me to spell it out for you, here's the abridged version. An evangelical Christian church is against front hugs for obvious reasons. When two people hug like that, their genitals spark up against each other and cause people to instantaneously combust, or have wild sex on the spot. You can see the logic here. *rolling my eyes* They even rap about how Jesus never gave anyone a bear hug. So...is that fact? Do you think Jesus gave John the Baptist a "side-hug" after they baptized one another? Do you think Jesus side-hugged his mother Mary? Doubtful. There isn't anything wrong with normal hugs; and if you have sexual problems with giving regular hugs, there is something wrong with you.

So there are two majorly terrible things wrong with this rap song.

#1 - I understand the idea behind Christian rap, they are trying to be trendy and get young kids into being spiritual. There is nothing wrong with that. However, I have some issues with the fact that they are rapping about Jesus and being moral and then gunshot and siren sounds go off. That makes me want to be real spiritual. I think that style of song accompanied by their lyrics is just completely blasphemous.

#2 - On the topic of blasphemous and frankly down-right wrong, the chorus repeats this phrase:

"I'm a Rough Rider, filled up with Christ's love". I knew Rough Rider was a bad term, so I made Micah look it up on urbandictionary.com. The link is below, but WARNING, it's REAL dirty. So don't go if you'd like to purity intact. I mean, you can't pair up one of the dirtiest slang terms EVER for yourself and then talk about how you are filled with Christ's love and to not give front hugs or kiss. If you're a rough rider, you are doing much MUCH worse.

Definition of "rough rider" from urbandictionary.com

Moral of the story, don't rap about Jesus before knowing the meaning of certain terminology. Or maybe just don't rap about Jesus at all.

Small Businesses

I want to post today about all the amazing people out there who do what they love and have given a lot of time, money, and energy into starting their own businesses. Being the entrepreneur-type that I am and how I plan on starting my own business in the near future - here's a shout out to all the people I personally know who own a business. Check them out!

http://www.arizonaorangeco.com/

http://lushboutique.etsy.com/

http://www.laborlooks.com/

http://www.jameswinegar.com/

Nice work peeps!

Very Serious Things To Sit Up At Night And Contemplate: Would I Stay With A Complete Assholecheaterdouchecanoe for $60,000,000 for ONE Year?

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So I assume everyone has heard about Tiger Wood's smooth move - well multiple apparently. If I have heard about it and I don't watch TV, read ragmags, or any celebrity gossip websites and I STILL know about it, I figure the whole world does.

If you don't here's the Jenny's abridged version: Tiger Woods hottie tottie wife, Elin Nordegren, (seriously, take a look) -->

finds out Tiger has cheated on her. He's backing out of the driveway and down the neighborhood road when WHAMMMO! Tiger's crazedbitchwife (rightly so) smashes the windows of his car with his favorite golf club (way to make the pain personal Elin; I approve of your tactics), distracts him (wouldn't you be?) and then Tiger proceeds to back into a fire hydrant. Surprisingly, when I first heard the story all I heard was that Tiger was in an accident. Come to find out he was in a lot deeper shit than that. And it gets better, well worse really.

As of yesterday I had heard that so far, like, 9 other women have come forward to be Tiger's mistresses, 3 of whom are porn stars. Wow, way to be classy Tiger.

Then Tiger publicly apologizes and says he's a huge wanger; wine, wine, blah blah blah, and then on the DL offers his wife 60 MILLION DOLLARS to stay with him for a year. I don't think that was supposed to leak out.

This now calls for some SERIOUS contemplation. So let’s list out the pros and cons of this deal.

PROS OF STAYING WITH TIGER FOR A YEAR FOR $60,000,000:

• $60,000,000 + divorce settlement.

• Never working again IN.YOUR.ENTIRE.LIFE.

• SIXTY MILLION DOLLARS.

• That's $5,000,000/month, $1,153,846/week, $164,835/day, $6,868/hr and $114.50/minute. You can taste that kind of cash.

• Proving to yourself you are a great actress as you pretend to still like your ass-face husband.

CONS OF STAYING WITH TIGER FOR A YEAR FOR $60,000,000:

• Still getting a truck load of money for the divorce and never having to look at him in the face again.

• Being able to pour more salt into his wounds; by wounds I mean his hurt image. Frankly I'm glad we all know he's a big smiling phony.

• Having to fake liking him when you have to make a public appearance with him when in reality all you want to do is cause him intense pain. Like filleting his man parts and feeding them to sharks as you poor acid on his wounds.

• Looking like the most worked over woman EVER.

• Looking weak and taking money over happiness.

I'm sure as I contemplate and meditate about this I will come up with more. Please, add your ideas and take this issue seriously. It may just happen to you one day.

This Gay Marriage Chart is Amazing

http://scienceblogs.com/pharyngula/upload/2009/12/the_same-sex_marriage_debate_g/samesexmarriage.php

November 30th Is Now Officially Ugly Duckling Day!

There is something about going home that takes you back to your pre-teen days. I don't know if it's the reminiscing, the home movies, or the fact that your parents treat you like you're 13 and you respond by acting 13 and throwing a mini tantrum because you don't want to wash the dishes, but either way, it takes me back.

That is why officially November 30th is now Ugly Duckling Day! It's a day for all to relish in the fact that we once were awkward, gangly, and ugly as all hell - and now we are smokin, smokin hot.

I'll have to dig up some pics of me from middle school, cause it's one big hot mess. Braces, bangs the size of a tidal wave, red unruly hair, zits, glasses, semi-chubtastic all wrapped up into a nervous ball of anxiety that made me sweat so much it soaked through thick sweaters plus I was scared of boys and being myself; not that I even felt like I knew who I was. I hope I remember how terrible those times were when I have kids that age. The world was against me, and I hated the world back. Not anyone in particular, just the while world.

So glad I'm over that stage!

I.Hate.COLD

I just told off Old Geezer Winter. I told him how much I despise him, then I spit on him, then I banished him to the Virgin Islands to either a) learn to appreciate the magnificent beauty of warmth or b) die from heat exhaustion. I figure Mr. Geezer Winter may not last in the heat - like he'd melt into a puddle of goo just like the guy in Roger Rabbit when they throw the cartoon killing shit on him.

I hate the cold for so many reasons.

1. Everything is ugly.
2. I have to wear 18 layers and somehow my toes are still cold.
3. The things you can enjoy in the snow cost money, which is something I know nothing about at the moment.
4. I'm cold. ALL.THE.TIME.
5. I break our circuits at work from running my heater every second I'm at work.
6. Getting goose bumps makes my freshly shaved arms/legs grow hair like chickens on hormones.
7. It lasts way too long. I wish winter was 2 weeks then we moved onto spring. Why do the worst seasons last the longest?
8. The cold make me pee more. It's an evil, evil way to piss me off considering I now have 17 more layers on than usual and I almost.ALMOST every time pee my pants by the time I'm undressed. Again, I hate you Mr. Winter.

However, Mrs. Sexy Sunshine is helping a bit considering we have effed over the sky by punching holes in the atmosphere with our hummers and plethora of aerosol hair spray (thanks Utah for never leaving the 80s) and over abundance of farting cows. Now Mrs. Sexy Sunshine can shine longer and harder and is taking the edge off of winter. But only til now. She's only been able to battle the grumpy old coot for this long. He has now won and I now have to endure my bones shivering and scraping ice off my windshields for what feels like FOREVER.

Liberation!

Last night I stood naked in front of a dozen or more strangers. This was not a dream.

Being naked on display I thought would be nerve-wracking. On the contrary, it was the most free and beautiful I have ever felt.

How did this new venture begin? Micah is currently enrolled in a figure drawing class at his University. He's always way bummed out when his class doesn't have a model because then there is no class. His professor has met me and has asked if I could model, but classes at the University are during my 8 hour work day.

So I was perusing Craigslist for possible part time jobs to make a little extra money for the holidays, when I stumbled upon an ad for an art school in my area looking for female models. Not only would I be making some extra cash, but I would be contributing to the art community. Cha-ching! I immediately emailed and then stopped by the studio after work. A few minutes later I was hired!

So I arrived, changed into my robe, got up on that platform and dropped my robe to the ground! Hello world! Seeing the paintings and drawings and sketches made me understand just how beautiful the human body, MY body truly is.