Men Live Longer Because They Are Men

Men live longer because they are men. Men have less stress in their lives. And men have NO clue. You know why? They take for granted the time that they would be spending doing the easiest, human, mundane tasks IF they were a woman. It's JUST NOT FAIR (said in a whiney voice while stomping my feet around). So I'm going to bitch about it.

First item: going to the bathroom. For arguments sake, we are NOT going to talk about going number two.

Man In Public Bathroom

• Step 1 - Walk up to urinal, maybe go into stall and lock.
• Step 2 - Fly down.
• Step 3 - Whip it out.
• Step 4 - Pee.
• Step 5 - Shake and tap.
• Step 6 - Zip up.
• Step 7 - Unlock stall or skip this step if using urinal.
• Step 8 - Wash hands. We all hope.

Woman In Public Bathroom

• Step 1 - Go into stall and lock.
• Step 2 - Lay down toilet cover, or use toilet paper to fashion one, OR hover and get a quad workout while peeing. (Note, when men go #2, I really wonder how many actually put down the seat protector...)
• Step 3 - Unbutton/unfasten pants.
• Step 4 - Pull pants down.
• Step 5 - SIT down.
• Step 6 - If NOT on period skip steps A-F below.

• o A - Curse loudly in your head, then be grateful you have a tampon in your purse. Add in embarrassing time consuming tampon hunting steps if not.
• o B - Try to take care of any mess. My favorite part.
• o C - If have some kind of apparatus on or in, take off or out.
• o D - Oh shit! The little trash can doesn't have a liner. Add in steps to wrap up said object in a million layers of toilet paper to take out with you.
• o E - Dispose of object or flush it.
• o F - Unwrap & replace fresh object.

• Step 7 - Pee.
• Step 8 - Wipe.
• Step 9 - Pull your pants up.
• Step 10 - Zip/latch/fasten pants.
• Step 11 - Gather your nasty garbage and purse and exit stall.
• Step 12 - Wash hands.

Ok. SO - you can already tell a woman spends more time in a bathroom than a man does. I did some math to substantiate my claims because FACTS are facts and then no one can argue with me. I may even take a stop-watch into the bathroom next time to make sure my facts are accurate.

Three weeks out of every month we'll say the average woman uses a public restroom 10 times with normal bathroom delays. (This is a SMALL number - I use one probably 20-30 times.) Then one week out of every month, she will still go use a public restroom 10 times, but this week is special. Or rather hell week. The week a woman's antagonistic Aunt Flo comes and beats her in the uterus until she bloats, feels sick, and develops a splitting headache.

With those estimated stats, here is the math:
*Note: 40 weeks/year with 10 visits a week = non-menstrual
            12 weeks with 10 visits a week = hell week

Average Woman:

Normal public bathroom visits/year = 400. Added time in bathroom for toilet cover and sitting is 30 seconds. 400 visits x 30 seconds = 200 minutes/year + 120 min for "Extended Period Visits" (add 1 minute) = 320 minutes/year.

We will say that women menstruate for about 40 years of their life regularly. That equals about 212 hours or 8.9 DAYS of a woman’s life spent on extra time in the bathroom.

Jen Woman (based on 25 visits per week):

Normal public bathroom visits/year = 1,000. Added time in bathroom for toilet cover and sitting is 30 seconds. 1,000 visits x 30 seconds = 500 minutes/year + 300 min for "Extended Period Visits" (add 1 minute) = 800 minutes/year.

800 min x 40 years of menstruating = 22.2 days extra spent in my LIFETIME putting paper down on a toilet and sitting. These numbers don't even include the time I spend sitting/wiping at home. This is JUST public uses! Do you know what I could do with an extra 22.2 days in my life? Solve world hunger. Fix illiteracy in the states. Build a house. Write a novel. Possibilities are endless.

But the issue is not really the time. It is the damn fact that men have no appreciation WHATSOEVER for the mere fact that they NEVER have to go through this. They are oblivious to the things we endure on a daily or weekly basis that they don't ever contemplate or bat an eye at. Because peeing sitting down is just ONE thing.

Try being the woman after sex without a condom. You have no idea. I can't work out for the next few hours AND for up to a DAY the aftermath is there. Do you men even know what I mean by AFTERMATH!

Add in the makeup, hair, the bras, the PANTY HOSE & PREGNANCY and I swear we spend years of our lives on things most men take for granted. So men, next time your wife/sister/mother/girlfriend is on edge and being slightly bitchy, come to terms with the fact that she deserves to be a bitch, and then hug her, kiss her, give her a foot rub, and tell her how you appreciate her vagina and all that comes with it.