I Robbed A Girl Of Her Virginity

I recently re-connected with a friend from my short stint in Boston (junior year of high school) on Facebook. Gotta love FB right? She's a quirky and energetic Egyptian girl who came from an ultra conservative family. Sad to say I have no clue what religion they practiced, I'm thinking she was Muslim? Pretty sure. Wow I sound so ignorant right now - it's embarrassing.

Anyhow - for her 17th birthday she had a party and somehow when a bunch of girls get together for longer than an hour, periods come up. ALWAYS. How conversations come to that point is beyond me, perhaps it's an instantaneous bonding topic as we all loathe the idea of menstruating, but nonetheless, it happened.

So somehow we figured out that she had never used a tampon before. Which is a damn.crying.shame. So we all felt inclined to make her try it out, well it was probably more like I felt inclined, and I'm so obnoxious and loud and crazy that everyone else felt the need to jump on the jennyeffingcrazybandwagon. She went into the bathroom alone and the rest of us crowded around the door like (insert dreamy teen idol around the summer of 2001, perhaps Heath Ledger or Freddie Prinze Jr. - oh gosh I think I just threw up in my mouth a little) was in there and we were trying to listen to him breathing. I swear she was in there for an hour or more, but perhaps my 17 year old mind lied to me and I am remembering incorrectly. Eventually everyone got tired of listening to Freddie Prinze's quiet breathing but I was the one who never gave up! I would hear Freddie fart and I would win!

So I stood outside that door explaining the mechanics over and over again (which seems so ridiculous now; I had problems when I first wore a tampon, like when I was 11, and it seems so foolish considering it's so "natural" - oh gosh, it SHOULDN'T be natural - now). I think she may have even cried a bit and that may have been when I thought to myself "maybe this is a mistake". Oh how THAT was the understatement of the century!

The next day at school she informed me her mom now hated me because I helped take her virginity away. Ooops! Sorry momma N! Note to self: don't force people to stick wads of cotton up their who-haaas, it may piss off their mothers.

Passive Aggressive-ness and Other Non-desirables

I am blunt. I tell it how it is 99.9% of the time. I am a people pleaser type, so occasionally what I'm thinking I sugar coat slightly, but usually I'm not scared just to say it how it is. Those jeans make your butt look lumpy. I don't want to hang out with you because you are emotionally draining. I think what you just said was biased and unfair and think you need to think more carefully before you speak. Get off your lazy patootie and clean the dishes before I throw a fist in the direction of your nuts. You cannot misinterpret what I mean.

I do not understand people who dance around the purple elephant squatting in the middle of the room taking a massive dump and never mention the obscene ever-growing pile of shit. I would walk into the room and start describing what was wrong with this picture down to the details of the particular stench. I like to stare my problems and issues straight in the face, tell them how I feel, maybe slap them, resolve it, and move on with my life. Passive aggressiveness never resolves anything. It will however cause mass confusion and bottled up frustrations and anger. (If you want a good laugh and also find passive aggressiveness entertaining, check out http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/.)

I remember once during a summer visit to home from college, this guy came to visit me. Yes, he was a complete ass and I know that now - but that is beside the point - and we wanted to go out and do something fun. My mother gave me two choices for activities she felt were appropriate or safe...I don't really know why I was given choices at all, I was an adult. Again, I digress. (She knew he was a penis but didn't tell me that until later AND I probably wouldn't have listened to her then anyways. Sorry Mom!) Unknown to me at the time, there was a right, and a very wrong choice in her mind. But when she gave me the choices she forgot to mention one of these choices would make her ignore and hate me for a week. Oh wait, I don't think she forgot. So I chose the activity I wanted to do, went on my merry way and for a week could not understand why my mom wouldn't look me in the eye or talk to me. (Mrs. Cellophane would have been my name....JAZZ. HANDS!!!!) Finally I confronted her and she told me all about it blah blah ....that guys a real creep....blah blah ....I didn't want you to go there....blah blah...you get the idea.

Now, there could have been a LOT of saved energy and less confusion in this situation if my mom, from the get-go, said "Jen, this guy is a creeper, I don't want you going to Miami, I'd rather you just go to the water park (the details are a bit rusty). You can choose, but just know that if you choose the former, I will breathe flames and pretend you don't exist for some length of time." Perfect. No miscommunication, no hidden messages, no passive aggressive behavior. I then could have made my choice knowing I could defy my mother and turn her into the fire breathing dragon lady, or I could chose the less fun option and make her happy. The result of the situation may have been the same, minus my immense confusion, but everything would have been out on the table. My mother would have been mad at me for a legit reason. It is not fair for people to make you feel guilty for something you didn't even know would make them feel bad in the first place. Pretty much the moral here is - no one likes to look or feel like an ass. Passive aggressive behavior tricks you into making a fool out of yourself. It's just not fair.

I also have a deep respect for people's lives. I do not like to impose on people, unless I know they want me to because I'm so fabulous, and I don't force myself into people’s lives. My friend Lindsay's in-laws just called her and her husband up and basically invited themselves to their home for Thanksgiving AND told her she needed to cook for the entire family (I think about 10 people) every day. There was no asking, there was only telling.

Back up the mother flippin truck - where do people get off thinking this is kosher? When did people lose all sense of propriety and waltz unannounced and unwanted all up in your face spitting out commands like you volunteered to join the armed forces or something? I think it's funny that older generations tell us our generation doesn't respects their elders, whilst our elders are treating us like door mats on a overly muddy day. What happened to being polite? What if my friends had unannounced plans for Thanksgiving or what if they just wanted to enjoy peace and QUIET?! Or heaven forbid they were fighting and needed to work some stuff out without a gawking audience! Their options were snatched out from underneath them with no warning. How unfair! People have the right to deny or accept anything. The outside party has no clue, none at all, why you are doing what you are doing, but you deserve that right.

I also cannot stand ignorant people, people with hair so large there could be a family of pigeons living in there - it is just offensive, people who like to put people down, people who have such annoying and grating laughs that mid-pee my body simultaneously stops peeing and jumps 2 inches off the toilet seat, people who don't cover their mouths when they cough or sneeze, people who think they are better than everyone, people who insult your intelligence and there own to sell you shomething, bad drivers, the existence of spam, and butt-crack in public. I also think when I'm on my period I should be able to wear sweatpants 24-7 and not get any weird looks or fired. Or better yet, just get a free pass from life and never get out of bed.

Nuff said.

Baby Questions And My Intense Spite

Ok, you can tell it's been a slow day at work considering I have like, 23 new bog posts. But I just was compelled to write about this.

So as most of you know, I live in Utah, land of jello salad, words like fetch and flip, 99% white people, and couples my age that already have more than 5 kids. I got married when I was 23 after dating Micah for about a year and a half. That flabbergasted most people. It boggled their minds that instead of rushing into marriage I was getting to know Micah and making some money. Why the only options for a post-undergraduate life here are marriage or grad school are beyond me. Heaven forbid I like working. Because everyone knows women that actually enjoy working will never have children and climb the corporate ladder until they poop 100 dollar bills.

Well sorry to blow all your minds, but this is simply not true.

It took me a whopping YEAR to even mention marriage to Micah - which he quickly dodged until I forced him to choose between me and eternal loneliness, probably because a year is still not that much time to really make an educated and sure decision to be with someone forever. But at some point you throw your fears under the bus and say, what the hell, you're 85% of what I need and want. You'll do.

So why is it SO hard for people to understand that I want to establish a sound relationship with my husband before bringing another tiny person into our lives? Heaven forbid I hit 28 and haven't had a child yet. Not to mention I don't want to be ridiculously poor when the tiny one comes. I mean, we can barely feed our two cats! Babies are expensive little bundles.

So you can see why I absolutely hate it when people ask me, "so, aren't you going to have kids?" Or "why don't you want kids?" Especially from people that are basically strangers. The undertone of your question is really saying, well hm. You have been married for 2 years, you're 25 (times a ticking sweetheart!), have a good job - ooooooooo I see. You don't want kids. You aren't going to have kids, or you would have already started. You terrible terrible satan-loving woman. What good are you unless you have children?

I want to come back and tell them a number of many things.

- My uterus is broken

- Micah's sperm don't have tails

- I have ovarian cancer

- Back off bi-atch or I will punch you in the baby maker!

- I want to have children how dare you use that undertone to make yourself feel superior to me!

- I can have children and a career. (Oh no she DIH - INT)

- What makes you think it is even remotely appropriate to ask me about something so personal?

And I have never said anything like this in response to those horrid questions before until now. I swear I will never back down from really giving people a little slice of my mind. Take today for example. Here is a thread from facebook. Not super slap in your face, but I thought it got my point across.

Me: You're pregnant! AH! Congrats!

Friend (note this is not a close friend): Thank you! It's kinda exciting. We find out what we are having next thursday. What about you? You guys thinking about any children yet?

Me: Not yet. I want to make it as awkward for myself as possible. But probably in the next 1-2 years! Until then I'm sure people will give me strange looks and wonder if my ovaries are broken.

Kid you not. That is word for word what I said. I think it is absolutely asinine that people have the gall to even ask questions like this and it's asinine that I feel ostracized and awkward for not having children yet. So like before, I will just turn the awkwardness back onto them.

Note - just to makes things clear: I love Micah and I didn't "settle". I just love sarcasm. Also I am extremely excited to become a mother (I was "for fun" looking at maternity clothes yesterday for Pete's sake!) but it's not anyone else's damn decision but mine and Micah's.

Amendment 2 - I don't hate everyone from Utah! I just hate being asked intimate questions from people who aren't that close to me.

I heart Google

You need to try this. Go google 'why' or 'why not' - don't press enter - just type it in the search box and check out what it suggests. It is freakin' hilarious. I will get some screen schots once I'm home and can photoshop the pictures. hahahahah

NetFlix Insta-Play

If ANY of you have netflix and have not taken advantage of the insta play option, you are MISSING out BIG time! I think Micah and I have saved literally at least a hundred dollars since we have reduced our renting and buying habits to nearly zero.
There are some pretty good movies on the insta play list, but the real gems are the shows. The Office, Lost, we just started Dexter and The IT Crowd, there is 30 Rock, and on and on and on. And it's all FREE (well included in ANY Netflix plan that is), streaming to your computer. Best. thing. EVER!

So - check it out and get addicted to shows so that you stay up til 2 am on a "school" night. So much more fun than sleeping. PLUS you get to have real tripped up bloody dreams when you watch Dexter. Yay for modern twisted TV shows!

Utah Bites

I haven't delved into this topic because usually when I start, I can't stop. Word vomit to a T. So I will try to keep this to what is on my mind right now and not all the reasons why I dislike Utah so much.

There are two movies I want to see REALLY, really, REALLY bad. #1 is Fantastic Mr. Fox



and #2 is Precious.



I went online to see where and when it is playing and oh...guess the freak what? Here are the two closest locations:

Kimball's Twin Peak Theatre (376.5 mi)
115 East Pikes Peak Avenue btwn Nevada and Tejon
Colorado Springs, CO 80903

OR

ArcLight Cinemas Hollywood (550.2 mi)
6360 W Sunset Blvd
Hollywood, CA 90028 (323) 464-4226

I love how moviefone.com tells me how far away they are. Micah, feel like a road trip? Psh. SO INFURIATING!

So thanks Utah for making the decision for me that these movies are not appropriate. I'd like to make that decision on my own. The real hilarious part about this is that Fantastic Mr. Fox is a kids movie. WHAT?!? I don't get it. I really don't get it at all. It makes me want to punch a hole through something or scream profanities out loud and wait for people to give me looks that scream "That young lady is seriously disturbed! Who raised her!"

Screw you Utahans. Once I leave this place I hope to never return.

Brain Fart Illness

Let me start this by saying I NEVER. EVER. EVER. get sick. So when I do get sick (which never happens, remember) I am a big fat baby. Friday I woke up feeling like I got hit by a big semi truck full of ninja turtle slime that somehow made it's way inside my brain.




It occasionally will make an appearance when I bend over too low or sneeze, but most of it must still be in my brain because something is causing the intense pressure in there. Unless it's my unborn tumor twin trying to get out. That's the only other thing I can think of.

The worst part about it all is that it won't go away. Talk about stubborn! I took Friday off work and slept on and off all day and watched 3 movies and took it way easy. I have since been taking it easy and yet the slime will not leave me. I wonder if it's feeding off my brain because since the truck wreck I can't seem to think very clearly. Or maybe that's due to the fact that reading, looking at anything brighter than death, seeing, just basically using my eyes for anything useful, feels like the slime has grown legs and is ever so politely kicking the backs of my eyeballs to make more room for its lazy ass. Also I think it's sitting in the fetal position with its little slimy bum crouched over my left inner ear. I can't hear a damn thing on that side. Maybe I'm pregnant and instead of being in my uterus, the baby is in my head. I have no idea how that could happen, but it would explain why I feel the way I do.

No matter what is going on in there, I want it to stop. I want it to go away. Sitting at work staring at this bright screen feels like someone is torturing me and about every 45 minutes I want to burst out crying. The time in between my emotional break downs consists of blankness. Usually my mind won't stop buzzing with ideas and things to do and errands to run, but now I just have a giant never ending string of brain farting poofs. I guess I could be grateful for the lack of busyness in my brain, except that the stillness just makes me want to go to sleep. I wonder if I could fool my co-workers into thinking I'm awake when I'm really not...

The Day I Met Micah My Inner Diva Was Born

My mother may disagree with the title of this post, but I guess that may hinge on the definition of the word Diva. Some people take diva to mean a brat, a showoff, a fabulous performer, and I was a little bit of all of those in my earlier years.

Even though I refused to answer the door when it rang because "a stranger is behind the door", once I was wearing sequins and some kind of mockery of a headband adorned with plastic pieces cut to look like flowers that may have sliced my cornea, luckily it never got too close to my eyes, and was placed on a stage; I was unstoppable. I was that little girl center stage never missing a beat and doing those booty thrusts a little too well. Also, when my mom busted out the video camera, I was either trying to hog all the attention by making her focus all on me and my attempts to do the middle splits or touch my nose to the ground whilst spread-legged; or I was belittling my little brother for doing something terrible like making too much noise as he innocently sipped, I mean SLURPED, his ramen noodles. So, I guess I was a mini diva back in the day - but I didn't KNOW I was a diva.

When I met Micah he opened my eyes to a world that was not all sweat pants, stud earrings, and pony tails. He opened my eyes to becoming the fashionista diva that was dying to escape. I had started gaining some fashion sense by the time I was 21, but he inspired me to totally go off the deep end. I mean, I would not allow him to look more fabulous than me in public. I'm glad my hubby is one sexy, suave, well-dressed man with impeccable style, but I will not be subjected to peoples thoughts (that you can obviously read on their faces) that are saying, "What the hell is that scrubby ginger-headed girl doing with that rock star?" I would and will not stand for it.

Micah also likes to tell me that people as beautiful as me (he's so sweet) can get away with more crazy fashion. Like the BCBG hat he helped me pick out that is definitely funky and I totally love, but cannot get over the fact that I look like a naughty police officer or train conductor when adorned. I'm glad he thinks I can get away with this, but I still struggle with the totality of confidence it takes to really go all out. But I'm getting there.

I wear crazy dramatic makeup, and that's no big deal to me, I've always been into "you're going to stare at my face NOW" kind of attention, but the clothes are different. I have to be 100% confident in the outfit, plus the body beneath it. So I went out on a limb today and wore my hair with a pretty high and mighty ratted "front-poof" (hopefully you all know what I mean) with a slicked back pony tail, leggings, with black leg warmers, patent leather pumps, and a cute black sweater and black dangly earrings. My Asian co-worker said I should go into fashion, which rocked, but then again who knows what that means. Have you seen Gwen Stefani's Harajuku girls?! There is some crazy shit going on in Asian countries.

But, where else can I try out my new Diva-ness if not at work! I want to rock that lime green eyeshadow and the hoop earrings so large they could fit around my thighs - yes plural - and those funky pants and Beyonce heels! Because after work = pajama time; the weekend = pajama time + occasional outings...but I want to have my look solidified before taken somewhere in PUBLIC! So for now my co-workers will have to come to terms with the Diva in the corner cubicle who envies Drag Queens.

Look A Like

I want to take a vote. I have been told I look like some different celebrities and want to know who you think I look the most like. All these choices are women I have been told I look like before. Honest. (They are all such a compliment but I can't believe some of the ones I have gotten.) So cast your votes!

A) Angelina Jolie

B) Julia Roberts

C) Jennifer Aniston

D) One of my personal favorites, Carmen Electra!

E) Jennifer Lopez (look at the second picture - more in the booty region...)

F) The newest addition and what sparked the idea for this blog; Amy Adams

What I find really interesting is that these women either share my name, share a love for dramatic eye makeup, or share my hair color or high cheek bones.


Ok, so I got a new one yesterday and this killed me. An asian girl looked at me and said, you look like Cinderella. I didn't even thank her right away because I was so boggled by this statement. Was it a subtle way for her to say I looked like a scrub? Or was it just meant as, wow, you look like a classic white person. Or, you glow like a disney princess? Regardless, I thought it was awesome and I'd add it to the list for kicks.

Halloween Fanatic

'm obsessed with Halloween. Or maybe I'm just obsessed with dressing up, looking over the top and creating a scene...but regardless I love this holiday. I think I need therapy I love it that much. I spent two hours on Friday dressing up for my work's Halloween Costume Contest - I won $50! and another two hours on Saturday to scare the living shit out of small children. You may think I am mean, but you should have seen how the adults thought it was hilarious when their child ran away, jumped, screamed or started crying. It made me feel like a much less terrible person when the adults seemed to enjoy it. Maybe it's some sort of twisted enjoyment for payback from all the terror their children have bestowed upon them. I'm not really sure what it was, I am sure one day when I have kids I will, but it sure did egg me on.

Micah and I went up to Twin Falls, ID to spend Halloween with his sisters and kids. Halloween is always more fun when around kids. They get so excited about all the candy while the adults are recovering from sugar hangovers and dreading cleanup of candy wrappers for the next eternity. I finished doing my makeup and got dressed and surprisingly my nieces and nephews only freaked out slightly when they saw me all decked out, but I was nice to them - I don't want to scar them for life and have them blame me for it later. Kids not related to me...I have no problem scarring. So I walked them around the neighborhood out of zombie character for 45 minutes before the "Trunk-Or-Treat" started.

My church does their own version of Halloween and it's the smartest thing ever, in my opinion. All the adults park their cars in the church parking lot and give candy out of their trunks. I like it because all the kids are in one area and this decreases chances of lost kids and creep-os handing out penis shaped candy corns. It also was a perfect scenario for my spooky character to have some fun. I stayed in my sister and brother-in-laws trunk for the first hour crouched down and breathing heavy and staring at kids until they ran away. I threw in some hisses and then started screaming outbursts. That really made a lot of them look like they just peed their pants.

Then with some of the older ones I actually started jumping out at them and then following them around the parking lot - never breaking character mind you. I actually had some adults freak out and throw stuff at me. It was awesome. Micah was especially grateful for my theatrics as he was 100% entertained the entire night. I had so much fun that when the "Trunk-Or-Treat" was over I continued to scare kids in their neighborhood.


Call me crazy, weird, mean, whatever; but scaring those kids was the most fun I've had in years.

Shout out to Thai Kitchen

I <3 this stuff.

Not only is it cheap and easy to take to work and make, but it only has 250 calories and is warm (which I crave in the bitter cold-ness of Utah winters), it's yummy, and they have several varieties that are VEGAN! What?! I know. There isn't anything quick and easy pre-packaged that's vegan. It's heaven in a bowl.