Baby Questions And My Intense Spite

Ok, you can tell it's been a slow day at work considering I have like, 23 new bog posts. But I just was compelled to write about this.

So as most of you know, I live in Utah, land of jello salad, words like fetch and flip, 99% white people, and couples my age that already have more than 5 kids. I got married when I was 23 after dating Micah for about a year and a half. That flabbergasted most people. It boggled their minds that instead of rushing into marriage I was getting to know Micah and making some money. Why the only options for a post-undergraduate life here are marriage or grad school are beyond me. Heaven forbid I like working. Because everyone knows women that actually enjoy working will never have children and climb the corporate ladder until they poop 100 dollar bills.

Well sorry to blow all your minds, but this is simply not true.

It took me a whopping YEAR to even mention marriage to Micah - which he quickly dodged until I forced him to choose between me and eternal loneliness, probably because a year is still not that much time to really make an educated and sure decision to be with someone forever. But at some point you throw your fears under the bus and say, what the hell, you're 85% of what I need and want. You'll do.

So why is it SO hard for people to understand that I want to establish a sound relationship with my husband before bringing another tiny person into our lives? Heaven forbid I hit 28 and haven't had a child yet. Not to mention I don't want to be ridiculously poor when the tiny one comes. I mean, we can barely feed our two cats! Babies are expensive little bundles.

So you can see why I absolutely hate it when people ask me, "so, aren't you going to have kids?" Or "why don't you want kids?" Especially from people that are basically strangers. The undertone of your question is really saying, well hm. You have been married for 2 years, you're 25 (times a ticking sweetheart!), have a good job - ooooooooo I see. You don't want kids. You aren't going to have kids, or you would have already started. You terrible terrible satan-loving woman. What good are you unless you have children?

I want to come back and tell them a number of many things.

- My uterus is broken

- Micah's sperm don't have tails

- I have ovarian cancer

- Back off bi-atch or I will punch you in the baby maker!

- I want to have children how dare you use that undertone to make yourself feel superior to me!

- I can have children and a career. (Oh no she DIH - INT)

- What makes you think it is even remotely appropriate to ask me about something so personal?

And I have never said anything like this in response to those horrid questions before until now. I swear I will never back down from really giving people a little slice of my mind. Take today for example. Here is a thread from facebook. Not super slap in your face, but I thought it got my point across.

Me: You're pregnant! AH! Congrats!

Friend (note this is not a close friend): Thank you! It's kinda exciting. We find out what we are having next thursday. What about you? You guys thinking about any children yet?

Me: Not yet. I want to make it as awkward for myself as possible. But probably in the next 1-2 years! Until then I'm sure people will give me strange looks and wonder if my ovaries are broken.

Kid you not. That is word for word what I said. I think it is absolutely asinine that people have the gall to even ask questions like this and it's asinine that I feel ostracized and awkward for not having children yet. So like before, I will just turn the awkwardness back onto them.

Note - just to makes things clear: I love Micah and I didn't "settle". I just love sarcasm. Also I am extremely excited to become a mother (I was "for fun" looking at maternity clothes yesterday for Pete's sake!) but it's not anyone else's damn decision but mine and Micah's.

Amendment 2 - I don't hate everyone from Utah! I just hate being asked intimate questions from people who aren't that close to me.