A Few of My Not So Favorite Things

Fashion faux-pas! I see these babies all the time and it is like nails on a chalkboard. Gives me the willies.

• Boys wearing "sagged" skinny jeans. (I don't mind boys in skinny jeans when they are fitted right, but really? The sagging just doesn't work here boys.)
• Sweat pants tucked into Uggs. I see this EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!
• This is a new one : knee high boots and capris! I mean, it's one thing if your capris are long enough that they tuck into the boots and no one is the wiser, but when you are walking and I can see skin?! It's like wearing knee high nylons with a skirt not quite long enough to meet. It's called thigh-highs ladies!
• CROCS. The ONLY place these are appropriate are outdoors in the garden. That is it.
• Socks and sandals in any way, shape, or form.
• Workout shoes with jeans. They make cute sneakers for a reason.
• Pleated pants. Never flattering, never cute, never acceptable.
• Muffin tops. Come on, find jeans that fit.
• Bumpits - I enjoy some volume and back-combing as much as the next girl, but beehives haven't come back into style for a reason.
• Eye shadow that matches your eye color. Like, blue and blue. Oh yes ma'am, I am a dirty tramp from the 80's.
• Cameltoe. Nuff said.
• High water pants - get a better tailor.
• Jean on jean. You can only rock denim as one item.
• Throw your Bedazzler away. Gems are only appropriate on little beauty queen girls that have fake teeth and are slave driven.
• Leggings on larger people. Sorry, but it's just one of those things.
• Thongs/g-strings hanging out of the back of pants. Trashy!
• Spandex shorts - should have been left in the 80's. Underarmor is a different story.
• Slippers in public. I know they're comfortable...
• Curlers in public.
• Pajamas in public. (Minus the Pharmacy. That's legit.)
• Mullets are never cool anywhere or anytime. Unless it's part of a costume.
• Anything adorned with the Muppets, Looney Toons, or Winny the Pooh after the age of ten; max.
• Dark lip liner with no lipstick. Frightening.
• Fake nails so long that I ponder the mechanics of going to the bathroom.

That's all I can think of now. Stay tuned for updates!

Party Buses

I need to out loud discuss party buses. First of all, I have never been on one but have seen many a picture of people drunken off the "heezy" doing I don't want to know what. So fine, get one for a bachelor/bachelorette party, get one for some fun outing with your friends or that time you hung out with a bunch of strippers; but DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT get one when you are in a fancy dress. Prom or a wedding is what I am specifically hinting at. I mean, come on. Those buses are designed for fornication and lowering yourself to do things you wouldn't normally do when sober.

It is NOT classy.

I guess if you are having a trashy wedding and wearing a white velor J-Lo outfit to get married in it may be appropriate. But I just witnessed pictures of a girl, covered in Swarovski crystals with a tiara and the whole works - workin' it on a stripper pole in a party bus. This was before the wedding took place. I'm sorry but lay the "fun" aside and embrace your "princess-ness" by riding in a limo and drinking nice champagne - not having your wedding party drinking Bud Lite and eating Rice Krispy Treat squares in their tuxes and nice dresses on the way to the chapel.

You could have done better.

Photoshop - My New True Love

I wish I had 12 hours a day just to devote to photoshop. The things you can create with it are incredible and amazing and will be helpful in my endevors as a "designeer" (a word I stole from a photoshop site). I'm married to an artist that can render amazing pictures with a pencil and his hands. I am not so lucky so I want to try my way through the digital world.

Funny story, Micah and I visited my grandparents a few weekends ago (we are still eating the apples we helped picked - it's never ending but a delicious eternal task) and my grandpa just could not grasp what digital art/media/anything is and how you create it. It's funny how fast what we use to design changes. He couldn't even comprehend it. So crazy!

Anyways moral of this post is: I want to become a photoshop designeer extraordinaire! Look out world - here I come! (As soon as I discover 12 disposable hours in my day.)

YOGA

My new obsession. I saw this picture -->

and thought to myself...I NEED to be able to do that. First of all, I want my flexibility back. Secondly, I just want to be able to bust this out at family gatherings and parties just to show off and make a scene. Third, I want to be that strong. Fourth I want to be able to break dance, and pretty sure if I master all the difficult yoga positions, I'll be able to be the most kick-A break dancer ever.

So my yoga journey has begun. Once I master some awesomeness I will post some pics, but don't get too excited because I'm pretty sure this one may take me a good year to master.

Advice for the day: pick up yoga so you can be awesome like this chick.

Outfit Frustration

I meticulously pick out my outfits most days of the week to express myself and use clothes as a way to create something new and fun. Some days I could give a flying care what I wear; all I desire is comfort. But, on the majority of days in which I DO care, what is the point of it if I have to wear my coat all flippin' day! Good thing I have fabulous coats...

But seriously...why can't a medium temperature be decided for thermostat settings? Why do men get to choose? They are usually wearing thicker, warmer clothes than women in the work place and in my experience are just warmer all the time. Why do they get optimal comfort whilst I huddle in my cubicle trying to absorb as much heat from my tiny space heater as possible, sometimes even wearing my mittens that fold back into fingerless gloves to keep my tiny baby fingers warm as I type? My baby fingers may fall off! I have seen them get very blue before and I'm sorry, but I like my baby fingers! I want to keep them as long as possible please.

So dear men, please for once stop being so selfish and let it be slightly warmer at work. Suck it up that you may feel a bit "warm" and will need to take time out of your oh so busy schedule to take your suit jacket off. But don't worry too much, I'll be here to hand you tissues to wipe up your tears.

Ridiculous Illnesses

I understand getting sick and contracting viruses is all part of the "circle of life" if you will. But some illnesses are stupid. For instance, UTIs (urinary tract infections). Why on earth do we need an illness that makes your pee hurt. YOUR PEE! Peeing is already a pain - not literally - and takes too much time and frankly I wish I could just not go, or have a little baggie attached to me (but you still have to empty that...), or wear depends or...anyways, you get my drift.

The reason I complain you ask? I get them. ALL. THE. TIME. I get them when I use the wrong soap in the shower, when I go swimming, sometimes after sex, when I take a bath, when I don't drink enough water, when I think about cranberries, when I think about sex, or just for no damn reason at all. I tend to think my body hates me, or maybe it's trying to remind me that generally I am 100% healthy and I need a kick in the crotch - that is literal - to remind me to be grateful for my body. But I'd rather throw up once in a while or get a cold or a fever or anything other than pain like a hot curling iron searing my insides.

Alas, tis my lot in life to wrestle with these little beasts. I probably shouldn't really complain, it's not like it's cancer, nor will it kill me. Eventhough I feel like I would like to die sometimes. The end.

The Nobel Peace Prize

Everyone has been ragging on Obama since day one of his presidency, and now it has just gotten worse. I have a few points I want to make about Obama and the fact that he just won the Nobel Peace Prize.

#1 - I love Obama. I may not know every intricacy about what he is doing in office, and call me old fashioned or crazy, but I just have a good feeling about him. Every time I have heard him speak or read a speech of his, it feels and sounds sincere and honest. I do not believe he intends to take America down in flames. His intentions are solid and good.

#2 - He is trying. Why does everyone feel the need to pick him apart so early on? Lets give this man a chance!

#3 - Other countries LOVE him. That is something we need right now. We should be grateful.

#4 - Have we all forgotten what R-E-S-P-E-C-T means?! (I feel like singing now...) It's hard enough to gain respect in my life let alone being in the public eye 24-7 like he is. Lets be decent for once and have some respect for our PRESIDENT!

#5 - Lets pick apart this whole Nobel Peace Prize bit. First of all, I can see where people are a tad bit frustrated and flabbergasted that 11 days or whatever it was after his election he was nominated for the Peace Prize. Well people, he didn't nominate himself and when he was awarded the Prize he stated he didn't deserve it. Now lets not all be sassy and sarcastic and say we all deserve a Nobel Peace Prize. He IS the first black president after all! Maybe it's not even necessarily HIS ideas alone or what he plans to do with his presidency but more of the symbolism of him being in office. Maybe it means America is ready for change. Ready for more peace and tolerance. Maybe the idea of President Barack Obama gives people hope and he has a strong will and desire to make that hope a reality. Maybe because he is such an honorable, sound man his plans and ideas will work! And when they do, I hope all you nay-sayers are put in your place.

Because I don't know about you, but I am definitely ready for change. BIG change.

I'm Jealous of my Husband

So today I went to an art supply store to get Micah some new fancy pencils. (Yes fancy pencils exist and are important dammit!) The entire time I'm there, I'm first off, desperately trying to not buy the whole store, and secondly, quickly burning up with jealousy. Micah's degree gives him presents. YES PRESENTS. What the hell? All I got from my schooling experience was classmates pinching my fat with skin calipers day in and day out and the permanent smell of formaldehyde wafting from my clothes for an entire semester.

I loved my major, I did. And I cannot wait to be doing by dream job. But I still am jealous. Micah gets massive amounts of new art supplies every semester, and little gifties throughout. Then he goes to "class" where he gets to draw, paint, design, and PLAY! Ok...I know art is a tough field, but seriously, the major sounds like a complete blast.

On top of all that...I'm his sugar momma. I work 40 hours and cook 99% of what we eat, do the finances, and I could just go on and on and on. All he has to do is walk to school, scribble some doodles for a couple hours, and come home and clean up the apartment. Um...what the hell was I thinking when I was in school? I'm sure I could have strung some silly man along long enough for him to put me through school, right?

Jealous. One of these days I'm going to make him make it all up to me...

Sweden

Ok, so I'm officially obsessed with Sweden. I randomly spit out the thought of moving there over gmail chat to a friend and then the rest of the day I couldn't shake it. It was like I knew what I wanted before I knew I wanted it.

First I started with jobs, perused around to see what things were available. (Found this awesome game design job...um sounds like Micah's dream job. I think it's a sign.) Then I moved onto apartments. I've never seen such modern sexy 1 bedroom apartments before in my life. Then I moved onto houses. All I have to say is - shut the front door! There are these amazing cottage style homes with huge gardens and stunning views with 3 -4 bedrooms for under $100,000 USD. THEN I look at the climate there - and it's amazing. The winters hover around freezing (32 degrees) and the snow is beautiful then the summers hover around 75 degrees. I think Sweden is my heaven. Add all that up, then the fact that Sweden is all about energy conservation (a lot of the houses have solar panels lining the roof that provide all the electricity you need), they have strict laws on the care of farm animals, universal health care, a year long paid maternity AND paternity leave not to mention the home of IKEA!!!!!!!!!! Oh and so much more (Those of you reading this - no worries, this won't happen til Micah is done with school .) But...Ah! I don't care about the details all I know is...

I want to go to there.

Now.

And never ever leave!

I am a double standard

I am a proud rule breaker. I am a proud rule breaker of stupid rules. And yes, they definitely exist.

I think the fact that I-15 is 65 mph is ridiculous. I think all freeways that have more then 3 lanes should be at least 75 mph. So - that's how fast I drive. OK, I drive about 80, but that's what I would do if the speed limit was 75; it all makes perfect sense.

I think the fact that you can't walk on GRASS in certain areas of my alma mater is asinine. It's grass! Do people understand that grass is a WEED that we have immortalized into some sort of god that we worship by watering and trimming obsessively? Grass was made to be walked on and laid in. Whenever I see those signs I'm like the north pole of a magnet drawn to the south pole; I have no control. The cosmos force me. I crave to immediately stomp all over it, smother it, lay down and roll all over it. Kind of like the impulse I ALWAYS have when I'm in a elevator all by myself to push all the buttons upon my departure of the elevator. Why oh WHY is it so funny? Yes, I think I am still 7 years old. I also adore blowing bubbles and puppies and kittens and headbands. So sue me.

But there are rules I think aren't stupid like, drunk driving. Come on now, seriously? I think everyone should have Breathalyzers in their car that are required for engine turn over. However, they are not required and I'm sure the offenders of this rule feel the same way I do about the rules I like to break. Granted killing someone in a car wreck and deadening some grass are obviously quite different consequences, but still. It makes you think.

What about us crazy affection needing mammals makes us want to incessantly break rules? Why do I feel soooooo good defying that sign that says please stay off the grass? Is it because I feel like I am better than the person who decided these signs were a good idea and necessary? Is it because I feel like my opinions and knowledge matter more then theirs?

Yes. And to quote my new friend Lindsay "Life would be a lot easier if everyone would just think like me."